You squint your eyes against the mirage of heat rising off the desert as the double suns blast the landscape into a furnace. Feeling perspiration beginning to pinprick up and down your back, you turn on your tormentors, and trudge back to your hovel. Your gait is that of someone with a great deal of work behind him and a long days work ahead of him. As you enter your humble abode, you hear an ominous knock on the door. This opening passage was directed to Odomis, a poor moisture farmer on Tatooine. He opens the door, and sees a man with a long tail coming out of the back of his head and wrapped around his neck. It's Bib Fortuna, Jabba's henchman. Jabba has been buying out the local moisture farms, and is trying to get Odomis to sell. Bib Fortuna: Have you reached a decision? Odomis: I'm not interested. I don't deal with Hutts. Bib Fortuna: You're aware that all of your neighbors have already sold out. Odomis: I'm aware of that. Bib Fortuna: So have you come to your senses? Odomis: Why does he care about one poor farmer? Bib Fortuna: He wants to corner the market. Besides, it's a matter of ego. Odomis: I'll sell for 2000 credits. Bib Fortuna: He's willing to buy it for 300 credits. Odomis: That's outrageous. The winds in the valley bring lots of moisture to my farm. I'll sell for 600 credits. Bib Fortuna: The offer is for 300 credits. I'm not allowed to accept any other deal. Odomis: Why not 600 credits which is still far less than it's worth? What's 300 credits to someone as rich as Jabba? Bib Fortuna: The richer people are, the greedier they are. Jabba's greed knows no bounds. I know that more than anyone. Odomis: I'll sell for 600 credits which is far less than it's worth. Bib Fortuna: The offer is for 300. I strongly suggest you accept it. Odomis: And if I don't? Bib Fortuna: You're aware that Jabba has a warehouse full of lichen? Odomis: I'm aware of that. Bib Fortuna: If you don't sell, he'll dump it all on the market. This will cause the price of lichen to fall through the floor. This will force you into bankruptcy, and Jabba will get your farm anyway. Odomis offers to sell for 600 credits. Bib says no deal, and if he doesn't sell for 300 credits, Jabba will dump his warehouse of lichen on the market on Boonta, which is day after tomorrow. Then he leaves. Odomis has to buy a power converter for farm work. He takes his speeder to Mos Espa. The streets are crowded with thieves, renegades, and wanderers, and a thousand tongues from a hundred races intermingles with alien music. Odomis parks his speeder, and heads to the shop of a Toydarian dealer he has bought things from in the past. He walks past a group of Jawas, and he smells alien meats cooking. As he walks by an alley filled with junk and scrap metal, something catches his eye. It's a large cylindrical metal object. On closer examination, it appears to be part of a ship's engine. With difficulty, he drags it to the Toydarian's shop. He reaches the store just as a group of major outlanders are leaving it. There's a man with a short beard, a girl in a blue smock, a bizarre orange/brown alien with floppy ears, and an astromech droid. The orange alien with big ears awkwardly grabs Odomis' arm, and shakes it vigorously. Alien: Mesa Jar Jar Binks! Oie Boie! Odomis: Can someone help me get this inside? Alien: Maxi-big problemo! Yousa strong carry maxi-big thingy wingy! The girl helps him get the object inside. He thanks them as they leave. As the bell on the door rings, the blue Toydarian dealer flaps up to him. Odomis tries to sell him the metal object. Watto says it's not worth much because it's in poor condition. Watto: Well.. less see whu we got 'ere...yes... not much eh?....hee hee....very poor condition this one is...yes... Then the bell rings, and another alien enters. It's a Devaronian. They are the aliens that look like devils, with two horns. This Devaronian gets in a heated discussion with Watto, asking him if he's found a certain object. Watto says he has not. They try to whisper out of Odomis' earshot but Odomis eavesdrops and ascertains that the Devaronian is searching for the Jewel of Zenda, and will pay anything for it. Watto: Well, let's see here. Dis berry difficult to locate dis item, yes. Devaronian: Money is no object. Watto: Well...uh...could be anywhere. Who's t'say if der even is sucha thing. Devaronian: The Jewel of Zenda exists. The only reason I came to this hell hole is because it was rumored to be here. The Devaronian looks at Odomis as if he were a pile of eopie droppings. After he leaves, Watto resumes haggling with Odomis, and agrees to pay him 724 truguts for it. This is the equivalent of 300 credits. Watto then tells him that it's a hyperdrive for a 327 Nubian engine for a J type ship. He goes on to say that the outlanders that left when he came in were looking to buy the other one he had. A ten year old boy leaves Watto's store. boy (speaking in Vachi): I've finished cleaning the racks. Can I go now? Watto (in Vachi): Alright. The boy runs past Odomis, and out the front door. Odomis: Who's that? Watto: Duh boy? No mattuh, good pod racer, though, yes. Odomis: Is he in the Boonta Eve Classic? Watto: Ah wish. No pod t'race, though. Wrecked m'pod 'e did. Odomis: Hired help? Watto: Whu? Thinka maduh money? He's a slave, he is. Won 'em inah bet Ah did, hee hee. Then Odomis leaves. Once outside, a scruffy man walks up to Odomis. He has a blaster rifle slung over his shoulder, and thermal detonators on his belt. Man: I saw you go into Watto's store with an item, and leave with nothing, so you must have money. Odomis: It wasn't worth anything, just scrap metal and wires. Man: I'm wondering if you have any use for my services? Odomis: And what might those be? Man: Whatever you want them to be. Odomis tells the man about how Jabba is trying to acquire his farm. The man suggests that, for a fee, he could poison Jabba's warehouse. Then Jabba wouldn't be able to dump his lichen on the market. He could do it while Jabba and his henchmen will be at the Boonta Eve race, and security will be minimal. Odomis agrees. Man: I won't pretend to like you, but I'll help you if it would benefit me financially. So how much are we looking at? Odomis: I'll offer you 400 truguts. Man: It's good to see you have a sense of humor. Now seriously, what kind of price range are we looking at? Odomis: I don't have much, my friend. Man: How much is not much. Odomis comes up wit another idea. They will tell Bib Fortuna that they know who has the Jewel of Zenda, and will sell it to him for a large sum of money. They'll just make up some bogus information, take the money, and buy two tickets off the planet. The man says that they won't pay money just to hear a rumor. Odomis says if all else fails, they could just shoot Fortuna, and take whatever money he has. Bib Fortuna won't have any armed guards when everyone's at the race. They could arrange a meeting at a shed on the edge of Odomis' farm. The man reluctantly agrees. He says his name is J'Hopa. Then a sandstorm hits. Sand blows everywhere. Tarps on the street vendor's stands flap wildly in the wind as they try to gather up their wares. Windows are shuttered. Odomis and J'Hopa seek refuge inside a bar called The Cantina. They sit at a corner table. Then two beautiful blue female Twi'leks come up to them. They invite them to sit down. They are identical twins named Nifan and Nishan. J'Hopa brag about being a mercenary. The girls flirt mercilessly. J'Hopa just eats its up. Then all of a sudden, J'Hopa is attacked from behind by an alien called a dug. He thrown to the floor. The dug's claws are clamped around J'Hopa's throat. The dug's snout is about an inch from J'Hopa's face as he screams a torrent of profanity in Vachi. Odomis taunts the creature, trying to draw it off. Then J'Hopa pulls out a thermodetentor, and threatens it. The dug backs off, and with a sneer, leaves the bar. Odomis and J'Hopa then leave also. Odomis: Are you ok? J'Hopa: Yah, where'd the babes go? Odomis: We have to consider the idea that our conversation might have been overheard earlier. The girls distracted us while the dug attacked from behind. J'Hopa: If our plan is out, then we should get out of here. Odomis: Like where? J'Hopa: Do you have enough to get us off this rock? Odomis: Maybe enough for a cheap ticket but then we'd be stranded somewhere else. They go to Odomis' land speeder, and find small creatures eating the seat cushions. They are mammals about the size of a cat but are shaped like giant fleas. They try unsuccessfully to shoo them away. J'Hopa: Five credits says I can hit the one on the left. Then they hear strange whistling which scares them away. It's Jira, an old woman who sells fruit in the marketplace. Jira: Knew duh storm was acomin'. Felt it in me gums. She says the animals are dwarf nunas from Naboo, brought back by one of Jabba's assassins from a recent mission. Jira: That's the scuttlebutt in the marketplace. Pets fer d'big guy. J'Hopa: I don't want to meet a regular nuna Odomis: scare tactics, perhaps? They chat awhile. Jira: The big guy tryin' to take yer farm, hon? Odomis: That's about the size of it. Jira: You stand up to him. Everyone wants t'see someone stand upta ol' blubber butt. Odomis: Easier said than done. I don't have to tell you what I'm up against. Jira: What will you do? Odomis: start a new life, maybe go adventuring with my mercenary friend J'Hopa chuckles Odomis: ...or maybe just start a new farm J'Hopa laughs. Jira: Gotta go. Left m'stand unattended. Street urchins probably cleaned me out. She leaves. J'Hopa: She is working for Jabba Odomis: What? J'Hopa: She was trying to get information to specifically related to Jabba's interest in you. Odomis: Old Jira? No! Odomis wonders, does Jabba realize our plan or is he just trying to scare me into selling the farm? J'Hopa: I think it's to big a risk trying the ambush now. Odomis reluctantly agrees. Odomis: Would you mind adventuring with me? J'Hopa laughs: You wouldn't last a minute! Odomis: It's got to be better than here, the Hutts, the farming,... J'Hopa shrugs: ok, where do we go? Odomis: Let me pack. I also have to get whatever I can get for this farm. He calls up Bib Fortuna on the local telecommunications network. It's like a picture phone. There's an empty chair, and then Bib Fortuna slides into it. Odomis says he'll sell for 400 credits. Bib says 350. Odomis says 375, but Bib stands firm. Odomis agrees. Odomis: I want you to know that you're cheating a very poor farmer. Bib Fortuna: Oh, my hearts bleed for you, poor baby! Odomis: You have no heart and no soul. Bib Fortuna says that he'll come by tomorrow afternoon, and to have the deed ready. Meanwhile, J'Hopa takes Odomis' land speeder to Mos Espa to buy supplies. He goes to a ticket booth, which is manned by a one-eyed alien, and buys two tickets for the next flight out, which is the day after Boonta. While there, an alien with four arms comes up to him. It's a member of a species called Xexto. He says that Anakin entered the race at the last minute, even though his previous pod was destroyed. He smells something fishy, and says people underestimate the boy. He says his name is Gassano and that he's in the race. He'll pay J'Hopa 50 truguts to sabotage Anakin's pod. Gassano: Take a look at the boy's pod, and maybe...er...modify it J'Hopa: I'm not really in the sabotage business Gassano: From the look of you, doesn't seem like you've had any business lately J'Hopa: True enough J'Hopa agrees for half now, half later. Gassano pays him 25 truguts and leaves. He calls up Odomis, and tells him what happened. Odomis: What? Are you out of your mind?!?! J'Hopa: Don't worry. I'm sure young Skywalker could use some information on who wants him eliminated. Odomis: You're doing something sneaky aren't you? J'Hopa: Trust me Odomis: Just be careful J'Hopa goes to the slave barracks, which looks like a line of houses all carved out of the natural rock. He finds a house with the lights on, with the name "Skywalker" written on the front in Vachi. He knocks on the door. A thin middle aged woman answers it. He tells her that he wants to talk to Anakin, and she says, what about? He says someone wants to have him eliminated. A man in a short beard comes to the door. J'Hopa finds himself saying everything about Gassano. He hands over the 25 truguts. The woman seems very worried that someone is trying to kill Anakin, and the man tries to reassure her. He thanks J'Hopa, and closes the door. J'Hopa, who hoped for some kind of reward, leaves miffed. He takes the speeder back to Odomis' farm. The next day, Odomis and J'Hopa go to the Boonta Eve race. Crowds of 10,000 people fill the stands. The crowds cheer wildly. Odomis bets everything he has on Anakin. Odomis had 350 credits saved up plus the 300 from Watto, so that's 650 credits. J'Hopa spent all his money on the tickets. The odds for Anakin are 100-1. If Anakin wins, Odomis will get 65, 000 credits. They take their seats to watch the race. The pods are pulled out. They see the dug that attacked them the day before, who is Sebulba, the odds on favorite. They see Gassano. They do not see Anakin. Jabba bites the head off a dwarf nuna, and spits it onto a gong. The two-headed announcer signals the beginning of the race. The pods race off in a thunder, except for one that's stuck in the starting gate. Watto flaps up to them, and says, "Coona tee-tocky malia". They ask what happened to Anakin. J'Hopa is worried that Gassano got someone else to sabotage his pod. Watto says that he boy didn't show up that morning. Watto's really upset since he had paid the entry fee. Watto said, "Dis da'muduh I thinks". Odomis curses his luck. The pods zoom through the stadium, and begin the second lap. The pod that was stuck in the starting gate comes apart. One of the engines flies right towards Odomis and J'Hopa. It hits the wall right below them and explodes, causes the stands to shake beneath their feet. Gassano stops for a pit stop. A pit droid is sucked into one of his engines, destroying his pod. One of the pods crashes when it's shot by sandpeople. Odomis notices a small black sphere hovering through the crowd. It appears to be some sort of probe droid, searching the crowd of 10,000 people for something. Odomis tries to follow it, but it zips through the crowd, and he's unable to. They watch on the monitor as pods fall away one by one. At the end Sebulba is the only one left. He races across the finish line to the roaring crowds. After the thunder of the massive engines, the stadium now rings in the after silence. This is muted by the roar of the cheering crowds who joist the small dug to their shoulders and carry him away. Lots of money changes hands, feet, tentacles, and pseudopodia as wagers are paid up to the sneer of some and the chagrin of others. As the stands are emptied, Odomis sees his double shadow cast by Tattoo I and Tattoo II. Sebulba goes to the Cantina to celebrate his victory, Watto buys a round of colorful liquids in an effort to spend his winnings, and the Hutts return to their inner sanctum. All appears quiet and as it should be. J'Hopa: Stupid dug J'Hopa searches for Gassano, hoping to tell him that he had sabotaged Anakin's pod, and ask for the other 25 truguts, but can't find him. Odomis suggests that J'Hopa steal the engine part that outlanders need to repair their ship. J'Hopa points out that it's to heavy to lift. Odomis suggests that they put it on the speeder. J'Hopa: What, I climb into the storage yard, and tie and rope around the part? You rev up the speeder, and pull it away? Odomis: Sounds good, or we could make a litter and drag it. They then go to Odomis' farm to wait for Bib Fortuna. J'Hopa hides when Bib Fortuna shows up. Bib gives J'Hopa 350 credits. Odomis then burns the deed, and leaves. Bib searches the building. J'Hopa lets out a war cry and charges out of the room. Bib Fortuna pulls his blaster, fires, and misses. J'Hopa jumps in the speeder, and they speed away. Odomis: J'Hopa, would you like to be trained as a Jedi? I have an idea. J'Hopa: Sure, but I have little patience and quite impulsive. Let's so buy that part. Odomis: I propose that we go to the Skywalker residence and propose the following deal. We provide the part for their ship, and they give us 5x it's value in credits and promise that J'Hopa be evaluated as a Jedi candidate. J'Hopa: If we can afford it. This conversation doesn't really make sense since they had no reason to suspect that the outlanders had anything to do with Jedi. They plan to go to Watto's store and buy the part the strangers need. They go to Watto's store, and it's closed. The door is locked, and there's a sign on the door in Vachi, mentioning the Boonta Eve Classic. They think he might be spending his winnings at the Cantina so they go over there. They go there, and before they enter, they can hear a wild party outside. They go in, and it's packed with aliens, and there is blaring music. J'Hopa looks for Gassano but doesn't see him. Odomis sits down with several drunken revelers and begins getting to know them. J'Hopa gives Odomis some of his thermodetonators. J'Hopa wanders outside, and leans against a wall. There's a wide assortment of bizarre aliens. Odomis sees Watto. However, at that instant, Odomis remembers that Watto doesn't take Republican credits so they can't buy it anyway. Odomis thinks of another plan. He'll get some of these drunken aliens to help him break into Watto's store so they can steal the part. Odomis: My mother in law is real bantha poodoo, and I need help blowing up her house. I have a bet with my brother as to who can do it first. Odomis shows the revelers his thermodetonators. He manages to get them to their feet, and then get them to stagger outside. Then one of the drunk aliens, an amphibian from the Ploo Sector, snatches a bomb from Odomis. He throws it at Odomis. Odomis leaps away just in the nick of time. It explodes with terrible force. The music and noise from inside the Cantina stops momentarily. They then go to Watto's store, and plant a thermodetonator in front of his store. A crowd who had heard the first explosion, come out to watch the proceedings. The bomb explodes with deafening noise. Odomis and J'Hopa are hit by the concussion and heat. The front of store is blown in. Shards rain down, and flames lick the devastation. Watto comes out of the Cantina, and sees what happened. He starts screaming. Watto: Hey! Hey! Hey you! He rushes towards them. Watto pulls out his blaster, and starts firing at them. They don't have time to try to find and steal the heavy engine part. They jump in Odomis' speeder, and race away. J'Hopa exchanges fire with Watto as they speed off. J'Hopa: I guess we're officially outlaws now. Odomis: Nothings official on Tatooine. J'Hopa: Last night I tried to convince a man I was a warrior of honor. Our ship leaves tomorrow. Odomis: Now you have proved your point. Odomis suddenly realizes that he could have just went to Watto, and traded his landspeeder for the engine part the strangers need. Then he could have given the part to the outlanders in exchange for passage off the planet. He kicks himself for not having thought of it. He and J'Hopa aren't the brightest people on the planet. They won't need the landspeeder after they leave Tatooine. They can't do it now since Watto would kill them on sight. He decides to give his speeder to the outlanders. Then they can trade it for the part they need from Watto. Hopefully, they would be grateful enough to let Odomis and J'Hopa come with them when they leave. They then head towards the Skywalker residence. As they near it, they see a heavily armed landspeeder coming towards them from the other end of the street. It's full of Gamorreans. They have blaster rifles, and open fire on Odomis' landspeeder. J'Hopa jumps out, and rolls away. He tries to hide. Odomis speeds off. The Gamorreans stop their speeder, get out, and hunt for J'Hopa. They find him hiding behind some scrap metal. He throws out his last thermodetonator, injuring one of the Gamorreans. Another one comes up to J'Hopa, and is about to kill him. J'Hopa shoots him, killing him, and then runs away. Odomis drives to the Skywalker residence. He gets out, and knocks on the door. A thin middle aged woman answers it. Woman: Yes? May I help you? Odomis: I understand you have visitors here. A man with a short beard comes to the door. Man with beard: I'm Qui-Gon. What business do you have with me? Odomis: I need to get off this planet. I understand that you are in need of a certain part. I will exchange my speeder for a trip off world. With the speeder, you can trade for that part. It's better than the credits you have. Meanwhile, J'Hopa is slinking through the allies and shadows tending generally towards the Skywalker residence but very slowly and carefully. Qui-Gon: And why is it you need to get off this planet? Odomis: Because we just destroyed Watto's store. Qui-Gon: And why did you do that? Odomis: It was in a fit of eclectic rage. My companion and I desired to bring you the part in question, and offer a direct trade but instead I can only offer this landspeeder. Qui-Gon: We don't need thieves to assist us. Odomis: Then you're in luck because we aren't thieves. We are attempted thieves but admittedly accomplished vandals. Ponder this, is it wrong to destroy the property of a slave owner? Qui-Gon: Does one man's evil justify another's? Odomis: You would have considered it just to abolish slavery on this planet if you had the opportunity. This would involve a great deal of destruction. Answer your own question. Qui-Gon: I would hope to abolish slavery without a great deal of destruction. Besides, we didn't come here to free slaves. Odomis: I didn't know that. I assumed that the only reason for a Jedi to come here would be to free slaves. By the way, I observed a black probe droid searching the crowds today. Would it be looking for you perhaps? Qui-Gon: What makes you think I'm a Jedi? You assume to much. Odomis: True. Nevertheless, what is your opinion of my business proposition? If you do not accept passengers, I will accept Federation credits. Qui-Gon: I'm suspicious unsolicited help from someone who is admittedly a criminal. Odomis: Even the most hypocritical Jedi must admit that I am no more or less of a criminal than Watto who you were willing to do business with. Qui-Gon: Perhaps Watto would not be willing to do business with us if I did business with you. Odomis: It is my thinking that he would never miss a chance for money. Shmi: Those Gamorreans were after you! I saw them race right by here! Gardulla forces Watto to pay protection money in exchange for protection. Odomis: What does that have to do with my business proposition? Qui-Gon: If we help you, we'll be making an enemy of Gardulla the Hutt. Odomis: That's probably true. I'm leaving the landspeeder with you. Do what you want with it. Odomis throws the keys at Qui-Gon's feet, and walks off. J'Hopa looks around for Odomis but doesn't see him. He does see a girl with long black hair, and wearing a blue smock sitting Indian style on the ground next to a blue and white astromech droid. She looks very sad. J'Hopa: I'm J'Hopa, warrior of honor girl: I'm Padme, and this is R2D2 J'Hopa: Hello to both of you. Have you seen my friend Odomis, a farmer? Padme: I don't think so J'Hopa: Why do you look so sad? Padme: We are going to have to trade our droid for an engine part we need. J'Hopa: I believe my friend Odomis was going to give you all his speeder. Padme: Why? J'Hopa: We feel at fault for Anakin not racing. I was the one who came with the warning last night. We are leaving anyway, and don't need it. Padme: Thank you. That is so nice. The droid whistles approvingly. J'Hopa: That is no problem. Now I have to go find him. He's liable to get into trouble. J'Hopa walks off, and sees Odomis walking towards him. J'Hopa: Hello Odo Odomis: The Jedi refused to accept the offer. J'Hopa: What Jedi? Odomis: The one in the Skywalker residence. He presented several strange arguments for why it was morally wrong of him to accept the speeder. J'Hopa: Well I just told a pretty girl who is with him about it and she seemed happy so maybe she'll convince him. Odomis: Pretty girls are good at that. I guess we should go to the spaceport now. J'Hopa: Good idea. We might die if we stayed here a few days. Odomis: I left the speeder in front of the Skywalker place so they can use it. J'Hopa: Good, they were going to sell their droid. Odomis: Oh, so they didn't need the speeder after all. Perhaps we should get it back then. J'Hopa: What for? We're almost off this rock. Odomis: So we could sell it. J'Hopa: It was the right thing to do. Let them have it. Odomis: ok, then. They reach the spaceport. Their tickets say Star Tours 9890. There's no ship in the hanger with that designation. The day after tomorrow, the day after Boonta, the ship will arrive from Corellia, and leave on the same day. J'Hopa and Odomis forgot when the ship was supposed to be there. They look for a place to wait/rest/sleep. J'Hopa: Watto will seek vengeance for what we did to his store. Odomis: I agree. He will hunt for us. Hopefully, we'll get off this rock first. J'Hopa: He will be looking in ports, let's wear disguises. They see two Gammoreans with blaster rifles enter the hanger, so they casually leave the other way. J'Hopa: Let's find some filthy clothes and dress like beggars, all hunched over and stuff. Odomis: So we'll need to rush in there as soon as the ship arrives and stay on board. They might have also asked the ticket seller about us. We could pressure Padme to let us go with them. What do you think J'Hopa? J'Hopa: We could try I suppose. We have the rest of the night to destroy, er, waste. Odomis: Ok then, we return to the Skywalker place. On their way there, they are passed by Odomis' landspeeder going the other direction. Qui-Gon is in it. Odomis: Ha! J'Hopa: He could be headed for the authorities. Odomis: We need to get to the Skywalkers fast since he doesn't like me. J'Hopa: Let's get inside while he's gone. They knock on the door, and Anakin opens it. Anakin: Hello Odomis: Hello J'Hopa: Did that bearded guy sell the speeder? Odomis: We gave the speeder but could not reach an agreement with Qui-Gon. Could you help? Anakin: WERE YOU THE GUY WHO TOLD THAT STUFF TO MY MOM???!!! J'Hopa: Yes Odomis: YYYEEESSS!!! He slams the door in your face. J'Hopa: Well, I told it to the man but your mom heard. Odomis: It was true, apparently. Odomis: We beg to speak to somebody nice. J'Hopa: Are we sure we want to go with these people? Two of them hate us. Odomis: And one likes us. Padme opens the door. She smiles sweetly. J'Hopa: Hello Padme. Could we come in? My friend lost his farm to the Hutts. Padme: Qui-Gon is going to trade the speeder for the part we need. J'Hopa: Good Odomis: We have been bad but we are good. J'Hopa: It was his idea though Odomis: Yeah, the Hutts. Padme: Come in. They come in, and hear Anakin throwing things in his room. J'Hopa: What's Anakin's problem? Padme: He's very upset. He's been sulking in his room all since last night. Odomis: It's partly our fault today at the races. Padme: He wanted to race so bad. J'Hopa: His non-arrival profoundly disturbed us. We actually lost a great deal of money. We hold no grudge however. I assumed I was simply doing a good deed. Odomis: J'Hopa, you are amazingly unethical. It's your personal fault. Padme: You did the right thing. J'Hopa smiles at Padme. Padme: I can't thank you enough for the speeder. Otherwise we would have had to trade R2D2. Odomis: Padme, we are wondering if you could help us off this planet? Padme: I don't know. The others might not go for that. J'Hopa: You could drop us off just about anywhere. We'll make ourselves useful. Odomis: We would be happy to hide on the ship until your first stop. We just want to not be here. Padme: Well, they did take Jar Jar with them because he would have been killed otherwise. J'Hopa: Same with us. Who's Jar Jar? Odomis: Honestly, we are rather pathetic. J'Hopa: Though fairly decent as expendable stock troops. Odomis: Expendable??? J'Hopa: Er, valuable, that is. She tells them the location of their ship, and to meet them there in the equivalent of three hours. They thank her profusely. Odomis tells her about the probe droid. They start walking to the ship, and see Watto furiously flapping around. They hide in a corner. There are Gamorreans everywhere, so they try going back to the Skywalkers. Shmi answers the door. Odomis: I think you should talk. J'Hopa: Ok, is Padme around? Shmi: Sorry, they left. They went back to their ship. Odomis: We're wondering if you have a hole we can hide in for a bit. J'Hopa: Do you have a couple of dirty blankets we could have? Shmi: If Watto knew I was helping you, I'd be done for. J'Hopa: Just a couple of blankets and you'll never see us again, promise. Odomis: True, just close the door on us and let us die. he gives them dirty blankets. They quickly wrap themselves in the blankets. They try to disguise themselves as beggars. J'Hopa rolls in the dirt to make it look better. Odomis spits on J'Hopa, hitting him in the eye. J'Hopa gets a stick to pretend to be blind with. They stagger slowly in the direction of the ship. An alien mistakes them for real beggars who stole his money, and gives them a hard time. J'Hopa gibbers wordlessly, and drools on him. Eventually, they reach the Dune Sea. They cast away the disguises, and walk towards the ship. Odomis and J'Hopa look behind them and see a landspeeder coming up behind them. It's full of Gamorreans. They are Gardulla's thugs, and they're firing blaster rifles at Odomis and J'Hopa. They run but it's hard to run over the sand. J'Hopa returns fire. Then they see something coming up behind the landspeeder. It's a figure on some kind of hovering cycle. Suddenly, he's holding a glowing red sword. He's going much faster than the landspeeder. He comes up behind them, and lops off the head of the Gamorrean that is driving. The headless body slumps over. The driverless speeder slams into the ground, kicking up sand. It slides into a boulder, and explodes. Then the figure on the hovering cycle heads toward Odomis and J'Hopa. They try to run away, but it's hard to run in the deep sand. The figure is wearing back robes, and has a black hood over its face. Odomis tries to bury himself in the sand as deep as possible. J'Hopa stands up, and shouts thanks at the dark robed figure. The figure continues to rush towards him with its blade extended. At the last moment, Odomis leaps out of the sand, and tackles J'Hopa. The cycle whizzes right over their heads. As they climb the next sand dune, they suddenly see a giant silver sleek ship. It's the most beautiful ship they've ever seen. They run towards it. Qui-Gon is there. The figure rushes towards him. Qui-Gon draws his light saber and knocks the figure off his cycle. The cycle skids off on its own. Qui-Gon and the figure have a fierce sword fight. They see that the figure's face is red and back. Odomis and J'Hopa jump on the ship just as it begins to take off. Then as it's taking off, Qui-Gon jumps on board. There is a young man there. Qui-Gon: This is Odomis and J'Hopa. Gentlemen, this is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan: Seems we've picked up more pathetic lifeforms. J'Hopa: Did you bring Anakin with you? Qui-Gon: Who? Oh, the boy, no why? Odomis: Why did you ask that? Where you going, and are you going to kill us? J'Hopa: What? I was wondering if Qui-Gon took Anakin with him to the ship. Qui-Gon: Do I have reason to kill you, my friend? Odomis: You seemed to suggest that I was like a sand-louse under your feet when we talked last night, so I suppose killing me would me would be of no consequence. J'Hopa sighs. Qui-Gon: Perhaps not. J'Hopa: You'll have to pardon my friend. Qui-Gon: In regards to your other inquiry, we're going to Coruscant. Odomis: Where is that? I am a poor farmer, or was, and weak on stellar geography. Everyone else present is stunned by the question. Qui-Gon: The Galactic Center. Odomis: Ah, this will be quite interesting. Obi-Wan leads them to a communal area. There are tables where people are eating. J'Hopa signals to Odomis to shut up. A man walks up and introduces himself as Kutres, a Naboo fighter pilot. He sits at their table, and they exchange pleasantries. Suddenly, a lanky orange/brown alien with floppy ears bursts into the room. Alien: Wesa dude it! Odomis steps back. He recognizes it as the same alien he saw at Watto's store. Alien: Whosa you? J'Hopa: Hello The alien grabs J'Hopa's hand and shakes it vigorously. Alien: Mesa Jar Jar Binks! Wesa safe now! J'Hopa: Oh, it was nothing. Jar Jar: Dissen berry good, hey? J'Hopa: Hello, Mr. Binks, I am J'Hopa. Odomis: Is thing intelligent or is it some sort of pet? Jar Jar gives J'Hopa a big slurpy kiss. Jar Jar: Oi Boie! Dissen all pitty odd to my. J'Hopa: Where are you from Jar Jar? Jar Jar: Isa longo tello. Mesa from Otah Gunga. Then Jar Jar darts out of the room. Kutres snickers as J'Hopa tries to whip the saliva off himself. Later, they are relaxing when a black man in a military uniform you don't recognize, including a hat, enters the room and walks up to them. Man: Hello, so you're our stowaways, huh? J'Hopa: I guess so. Odomis: No, we're here by invitation only, oh where did I put it... Man: I'm Captain Panaka, Chief of Naboo Security. J'Hopa: I'm J'Hopa, mercenary warrior Odomis: Odomis, moisture farmer Panaka: The Trade Federation invaded Naboo, and we barely escaped. J'Hopa: That's terrible. I assume you were on Tatooine for the part? Odomis: What are you trying to do? J'Hopa: Have a conversation, Odo. Panaka: We had to make an emergency landing. They hit us as we were escaping. J'Hopa: That's tough. Do you need any extra guns around? Panaka: That's not your concern. Odomis: I meant, what are you trying to do now that you've escaped? What will become of us? Panaka: We are going to plead our case to the Senate. We'll drop you off when we reach Coruscant. J'Hopa: That'll do. Panaka: I've only been Chief of Naboo Security for a short time. J'Hopa: Oh? Why is that? Panaka: I was appointed after my predecessor Captain Magenta failed to prevent the death of King Veruna. He was a kind and just ruler. Odomis: Wonderful. Are you better than your predecessor, or is it just politics? Panaka: I don't claim to be better. J'Hopa: Things don't seem very stable on your planet, no offense. Panaka: King Veruna died unexpectedly in a freak accident when his ship crashed. J'Hopa: Freak accidents including high political figures are very suspicious. Panaka seems uncomfortable, and looks at the floor. J'Hopa: Tell us about Naboo. What is it like? Panaka: Beautiful planet, lush forests, the Queen's Palace is in Theed City which is on the edge of giant waterfalls. J'Hopa: Wow! You must really love your home world. Panaka: I can't believe the Trade Federation would go this far. We are peaceful people. J'Hopa: Is it a place where people would like to live? Are the people nice? All the forests in the world can't make up for a tyranny. Panaka: We do not have a tyranny. We have democracy. J'Hopa: Democracy? I've seen a few planets try to set it up. You actually got it working? Panaka: More or less. The death of King Veruna was not Captain Magenta's fault. Panaka describes how King Veruna was a kind and just ruler. Then King Veruna died unexpectedly in a sudden accident when his ship crashed. In a special election, his 14 year old daughter Amidala was elected to replace him. She was elected in a sympathy vote. Odomis: Perhaps powerful people thought she'd be more malleable, and tried to increase public sympathy. Panaka: King Veruna had been negotiating with the Trade Federation. His daughter Amidala continued the negotiation, but then the Trade Federation started making very unreasonable demands, and the treaty ended up being very unfair to Naboo. J'Hopa: The malleable factor. Odomis: In what way was the Trade Federation interested in a rather small planet like Naboo? Panaka: Naboo lies near the shipping lanes. Veruna was going to let them place ships in orbit around Naboo in exchange for a reduced price on various goods. J'Hopa: Good gain for little cost. Now the Trade Federation hopes to get the whole planet, probably for a surface base and direct access. Panaka: The negotiations were very friendly, and actually were at the beginning of Amidala's rule. Then all of a sudden, they demanded that Naboo pay high taxes to the Federation. Odomis: Was there some other change at that time in local or galactic politics? Panaka: No, we can't understand it. It's as if those Federation types suddenly grew spines. It's illogical. They risk the Senate revoking their franchise. Odomis: Is this localized to Naboo, or is there a trend of Federation bullying going on? Panaka: No, it seems to be only Naboo. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan rescued us, including the Queen, and her handmaidens, Eirtae, Yane, Padme, Rabe, and Sache. J'Hopa: I assume you travel to the Senate now, to seek the righting of wrongs? Panaka: Yes J'Hopa: Well, good luck to you. We travel anywhere. We seek honorable employers who need mercenaries. Odomis: What can the Senate do? They couldn't even abolish slavery on Tatooine. Panaka bids farewell. Later, they near Coruscant. Obi-Wan tells them over a PA system to come to the bridge. They reach the bridge as the ship flies over the surface of Coruscant. Obi-wan: The whole planet is one massive city. All the way out to the horizon, in 360 degrees, are skyscrapers that soar to the zenith. The sweeping vista would over-awe the most jaded space traveler. The breathtaking panorama of millions of gargantuan needles reaching up to the outer limits of the atmosphere leaves Odomis and J'Hopa speechless. Throughout this maze of stupendous artifices are millions of transport vehicles, methodically going east, west, north, and south, at every level from ground level to the highest pinnacle. The Queen's ship lowers to a landing pad that has a transport vehicle docked to it. Several figures are standing on the pad waiting for the ship to dock. J'Hopa: That's incredible. The ship docks, and people get out. Odomis and J'Hopa walk out and see Supreme Chancellor Valorum himself. They also see an old man dressed as a senator. They watch the encounter between those on the ship, and those who were waiting for them. J'Hopa hopes they'll introduce him, but he doesn't expect to be. Palpatine: It is a great gift to see you alive, Your Majesty. May I present Supreme Chancellor Valorium? Valorium: Welcome, Your Highness. It is an honor to finally meet you. I must relay to you how distressed everyone is over the current situation. I've called a special session of the Senate to hear your position. Amidala: I am grateful for your concern, Chancellor. Qui-Gon takes Valorium aside. Qui-Gon: I must speak with the Jedi Council immediately, Your Honor. The situation has become more complicated. Odomis and J'Hopa talk among themselves in hushed tones. Odomis: Would any senators be likely to hire us? J'Hopa: Not likely. They have enough resources to train their own people. What we need is somebody rich enough to hire mercenaries, and have good jobs for them, but poor enough to not have their own army. They follow the main group to the Coruscant Air Taxi docked at the landing pad. These are automated vessels that ferry citizens from one skyscraper to the next. The largest of these have multiple decks and can hold more than 1000 passengers. This one holds about 30 people. It's green, flat on top, and hemispherical on the bottom. They get in. Palpatine looks disapprovingly at Odomis, J'Hopa, and Jar Jar sitting in the back. They ride very comfortably. The view is spectacular. They arrive at the Galactic Senate Building. The Air Taxi stops at a causeway bridging the Senate Building and another skyscraper. The doors open and everyone gets off. The group heads towards double doors at the end of the causeway. The doors open, and everyone goes through except Odomis, J'Hopa, Kutres, and one of Amidala's handmaidens, named Eirtae. J'Hopa: Looks like we're stuck with each other. The doors open, and it's an empty room. They recognize it to be some kind of elevator. They go in and the doors close. There are strange symbols on the control panel. Nobody present reads Coruscian. J'Hopa pushes a button at random. They feel acceleration, normal for a few seconds, and then deceleration. The doors suddenly open on what looks like a different. They realize they are at ground level. There is a mosaic tile floor spreading out in all directions. The world is in perpetual shadow from the skyscrapers. After much discussion, they finally decide to step out of the elevator. They notice that in front of the Galactic Senate Building are a large number of strange twisted statues of hominoid figures. They look like abstract sculptures of people. It's hard to tell because they are abstract, but they look like many races. J'Hopa thinks they might be analogous to the flags in front of the United Nations in our world, not that he's ever heard of such a thing. In a well known Tatooinian superstition, Odomis walks up to one of the statues, and starts rubbing its genitalia for good luck. At that instant, a man walks up to him. It's a young man with black hair, wearing a white military uniform they don't recognize, as well as a gold cape. Odomis: Hey! What are you doing? Man: I'm on my way to the Senate. Odomis: Could we follow you to observe the proceedings? Man: You can watch on the view screens that are everywhere. J'Hopa: We need to get this handmaiden back to her Queen. Can we accompany you? Man: I'll get her back. Eirtae: My friends will accompany me. J'Hopa: We feel responsible. She was walking along with us when she got separated. Odomis: We only just met, and don't think we'll leave her in your hands based on the brief relationship. Man: I'm Prince Bail Antilles, Senator from Alderaan. Eirtae: Pleased to meet you. Odomis: Cool, are people often down here, or are only the upper levels used? Bail: Mostly the upper levels. Only tourists like yourself come down here. They chat some more. Bail: I saw you were admiring the statues. Odomis: Yes, how old are they? Bail: The statues are of the Jedi who defeated who defeated the last of the Sith 1000 years ago. Only Sith Darth Bane was left. J'Hopa: What happened to Sith Darth Bane? Bail: Darth Bane decided that from then on, only two Dark Lords of the Sith would exist at any one time, a master and his apprentice. He and his apprentice went into hiding, slowly and patiently plotting the Sith's revenge against the Jedi. J'Hopa: You mean there could be Sith today. Bail: I don't think so. This is just a story used to frighten children. J'Hopa: Why wasn't Darth Bane defeated with the rest. Bail: He was powerful. Odomis: How do you know all this? Bail: I've studied Galactic history. Bail points to a specific statue of a tall muscular man. Bail: That's Starkiller. He was a famous Jedi who used the Kaiburr Crystal to defeat the last of the Sith. This reminds Odomis of the jewel he heard about in Watto's shop. Odomis: What is this Crystal thing? Bail: I don't claim to be a student of Jedi history. I suggest you talk to Ki-Adi-Mundi. Eirtae: Who's he? Bail: He's a member of the Jedi Council, and knows more about Jedi history than anyone. J'Hopa: Would he be willing to talk to us? Bail: I think so. Eirtae: Where is he? J'Hopa: Probably we would go to the Jedi Council. Odomis: How do we get there? Bail: I'll get you a Coruscant Air Taxi that will take you there. J'Hopa: Let's first deliver our handmaiden, unless she wants to go to the Temple. Odomis: That'll be good. Eirtae: I'd better check with the Queen first. It's probably time for a hairstyle change. Bail: Alright, she should be in Palpatine's office. They go inside the giant Galactic Senate Building. Inside, the walls and floor are polished marble. They go to an elevator, get in, and go up. Bail: The Chancellor has called a special session of the Senate. The Senate is about to convene to discuss the important issue of allegations that the Trade Federation has attacked Naboo. Chancellor Valorium has become an ineffective weak ruler. I used to be a strong supporter of Chancellor Valorium, but have since become disillusioned with him. Eirtae: I'd like to hear part of the discussion. It's definitely of interest to me. J'Hopa: Your political connections are irrelevant to me, Eirtae. Your Queen is displaced anyway. I do rather like you, though and want to research that crystal. It reminds me of a jewel people are looking for back on Tatooine. Kutres: Only if he could understand what they are saying. After all, he is a clod hopper. Eirtae: The Queen may have more power than you think. Besides, why would Tatooine interest me? Odomis: I doubt it. This seems to be a place filled with those of power, and irrelevant Naboo is a trivial and irrelevant place. We can research the crystal, and if it seems to be of interest, we can answer that question. J'Hopa: Tatooine interests nobody, especially those who live there, unless they hope to profit. I simply want to discover if this is the same jewel. Eirtae: What does the clod hopper know anyway? If Naboo is irrelevant, why is the Senate spending such precious time on it? Odomis: Because although Naboo is unimportant, the Senator from Naboo appears to wield a great deal of power. They go to Palpatine's office. Palpatine looks disapprovingly at Odomis and J'Hopa. Palpatine: The Queen has been looking for you. Eirtae: Hello Palpatine, I know, I'm afraid we got lost when we got out of the transport. Odomis: The door of the elevator forced us together in some way. J'Hopa: And no one could read the button. Palpatine: Indeed, well it's easy to get lost in this place. Eirtae and Kutres stay. Bail leads Odomis and J'Hopa away to get them an Air Taxi. Eirtae begs the Queen to let her go with them to the Jedi Temple. Amidala: There are greater matters at stake then your entertainment, Eirtae Eirtae: Perhaps these men could help. Amidala: I fail to see the potential of their assistance. Bail gets a Coruscant Air Taxi, and programs it to go to the Jedi Temple. They thank him, and he leaves. Then they see Eirtae run up, and jump in. She snuck away without the Queen's knowledge. Odomis: I'm sure she will forgive you since our incredible charm will eventually win her over too. The Air Taxi sails though the city. The view is spectacular. Eirtae: Wow! They look at the breathtaking view, and the dizzying distance down. Eventually the Air Taxi approaches the tallest building on Coruscant, the Jedi Temple. There are four smaller towers on the corners, and one extremely tall tower in the center that soars to stupendous heights. The Air Taxi goes up to the building, and stops at a balcony. They get out, and walk up to red velvet double doors. They go in. Inside, it's incredibly luxurious. The lobby is filled with expensive furniture and artwork. A silver protocol droid walks up to them. It speaks with a female voice. Droid: I'm TC-14, at your service. How may I serve you? Eirtae: Take me to your leader. TC-14: I beg your pardon? J'Hopa: Take us to Ki-Adi-Mundi, please, if he's available. TC-14: I'm sorry, I'm afraid the Jedi Council is in session at the moment. If you would care to wait, I'm sure he'd be with you shortly. J'Hopa: Thank-you Odomis: What do I have to do to become a Jedi? The droid leaves. J'Hopa sits in an elegantly carved chair, which starts walking around with J'Hopa on it. Eirtae notices for the first time that Odomis and J'Hopa are dressed like beggars. Eirtae tries to sew tunics for Odomis and J'Hopa using the drapes. She ends up sewing J'Hopa's rags to the drapes, and when the chair walks off with him on it, the whole thing comes crashing down. She finally makes them robes. J'Hopa slings his blaster rifle over his shoulder. The droid comes back, and is most alarmed by this state of affairs. The droid then leads them though a narrow hallway. After many twists and turns, they end up at a small door. TC-14: He should be with you shortly. They go in. Ki-Adi-Mundi's office is not what they expected for a member of the Jedi Council. It's very small, and has no windows, presumably by his choice. It's very dark, lit only by ceremonial candles. It is filled with hundreds of small artifacts, millennia old, many from civilization extinct for millennia, their names lost to history. The air is filled with exotic incense from all over the galaxy. Eirtae: Quite beautiful. I haven't seen one of these in ages. Odomis picks up things. Eirtae: Odomis, put that down! Suddenly, an alien enters. He has a very long head. It's about a yard from his eyebrows to the top of his head, which tapers to a point. J'Hopa: We thank you for taking the time to see us. Odomis is about the engage in the afore mentioned good luck ritual with the esteemed high ranking member of the Jedi Council. Eirtae: Don't rub it, Odomis! J'Hopa stop him! Odomis' hand twitches noticeably but he restrains it. Alien: I'm Ki-Adi-Mundi J'Hopa: Greetings, we are honored to meet you. Ki-Adi-Mundi: Who are you? J'Hopa: I'm J'Hopa. Eirtae: I'm Eirtae, handmaiden of Queen Amidala. These are my companions. J'Hopa: Mercenary warrior, veteran of a thousand wars, honorable, honest, and elite. Oh, and that's Odomis. He's just a farmer. Odomis: I'm a moisture farmer with a degree in smart ass. Ki-Adi-Mundi: I am a Cerean. J'Hopa: I am not familiar with the Cerean home world. Ki-Adi-Mundi: All Cereans have a binary brain. J'Hopa: Wow! Eirtae: Are you a silicon based lifeform? Ki-Adi-Mundi: This attribute allows me unique insight into the Dark Side of the Force. J'Hopa: No dark side around here, right? Ki-Adi-Mundi: I am the only Knight to serve on the Jedi Council. J'Hopa: I thought the whole Council was made up of Jedi Knights? Ki-Adi-Mundi: The others are Jedi Masters. J'Hopa: Ah Ki-Adi-Mundi: I have no apprentice. Eirtae: Are you looking for an apprentice? Ki-Adi-Mundi: How may I help you? Odomis: I want to be a je...actually we are looking for some history. Eirtae: We would like to learn about the Sith. A friend of ours in the Senate was talking about this dark race. J'Hopa: We think we saw one on Tatooine, plus we think that crystal that destroyed them 1000 years ago might be there. Ki-Adi-Mundi: It's ironic you would ask me that. J'Hopa: Why? Ki-Adi-Mundi: Just now I was in a session of the Jedi Council, and the Sith were a topic of discussion. Eirtae: Really? Is there concern about the Sith? We had heard they were only in fairy tales. Odomis: Since J'Hopa and I are native to Tatooine, perhaps we could be contracted to look? Ki-Adi-Mundi: Qui-Gon said that he saw a Sith on Tatooine. J'Hopa: He's native. I'm not. I got stranded there. We traveled her with Qui-Gon. We saw the guy with a red light saber try to kill him. Ki-Adi-Mundi: You saw the Sith? Tell me what happened. Odomis: We think we saw a search droid that was a sphere looking for the Jedi. He had a painted face, red eyes, and mean. Actually, his eyes are yellow, and it's not clear if his face is painted, tattooed, or is his natural color. Besides, Odomis was much to far away to see his eyes. J'Hopa: He deflected my blaster shots even when he couldn't see them coming. Ki-Adi-Mundi: How do you know anything about the Sith? How do you know about the Kaiburr Crystal? J'Hopa: Senator Bail was telling us. Odomis: We had a useful talk with the Senator from Alderaan. Ki-Adi-Mundi: The Kaiburr Crystal is a legendary Force controlling gem. It is a deep crimson gem. It long rested in the jungle temple of Pomojema on Circapous V, or Mimban. Legends describe the Kaiburr Crystal as a Force enhancing artifact, capable of strengthening the abilities of the Force wielder. The Temple priests were said to have mysterious healing powers that were perhaps enhanced by the crystal's properties. The crystal rested in a ceremonial statue of a minor god, and was guarded by a lizard creature. 1000 years ago, Starkiller retrieved the crystal, and used it to destroy the last of the Sith. After the victory, he was worried that Kaiburr Crystal might someday fall into the wrong hands, and be used for evil. Therefore, he destroyed it forever. J'Hopa: Never mind us thinking it's on Tatooine then. Eirtae: Darn. Ki-Adi-Mundi: Starkiller destroyed the Kaiburr Crystal 1000 years ago. Eirtae: Was there only one crystal? Ki-Adi-Mundi: Yes, there do exist stories that say fragments of the original crystal remain. J'Hopa: Maybe the fragments would be enough to destroy one or two Sith. Ki-Adi-Mundi: Perhaps J'Hopa: How would we know if we found a fragment of the gem? Ki-Adi-Mundi: A member of the Jedi Council could recognize it. Neither J'Hopa or Odomis can remember the name of the jewel they heard about on Tatooine. Odomis wracks his brain, and suddenly remembers the name. Odomis: Does the Jewel of Zenda ring any bells? Eirtae: The Jewel of Zenda? What about it? J'Hopa: We heard it was on Tatooine. Eirtae: Don't be silly. J'Hopa: Why? What do you mean? Eirtae: You haven't been talking about the Jewel of Zenda all this time, have you? J'Hopa: We did. A merchant was there looking for it. Eirtae: Maybe he was talking about something else. J'Hopa: That's what he said, right Odo? Zenda. Why? What is the Jewel of Zenda? Eirtae: I guess it WAS on Tatooine. Odomis: No, he was very explicit. A Devaronian was looking for it. Eirtae: Why was he looking for it? J'Hopa: Seemed like a shady sort of black market treasure hunt. For money, probably. It sounds like something a Hutt would like to show off. Eirtae: The Jewel of Zenda has nothing to do with the Kaiburr Crystal. J'Hopa: How do you know? Eirtae: Like, I'm sure...duh! Odomis: Like...Cool Dude! J'Hopa: Explain yourself. Eirtae: What's to explain? J'Hopa: Tell us what the Jewel of Zenda is. Eirtae: It's on the Escoffiate Headpiece. J'Hopa: Can you guess my next question? Eirtae: The one with the gold face-frames. J'Hopa: Information I can use, please? Odomis: Can we look at it, pritty please? Eirtae: It goes on the forehead. She wore it yesterday when she talked to the Viceroy over the com system. J'Hopa: Who? Amidala? Eirtae: Of course. Odomis: I think we should go take it on the off chance that it's the object we want. J'Hopa: Wouldn't that be stealing? Eirtae: Stealing the Naboo Crown Jewels, no less! Odomis: Do you think she would let us borrow it, just to take to the Jedi? She could come with us. Eirtae: I don't know. J'Hopa: What color is it? Eirtae: dark colored. Odomis: I propose that we go and ask Amidala to either lend it to us, or come here in person, so we can get some sort of reward money from the Jedi. J'Hopa: Any particular shade of dark? Eirtae: Probably dark red. J'Hopa: I just don't believe in coincidence. We hear about the Jewel, meet the one who owns it, see a Sith, and get told a legend of a crystal destroying Sith, all in a couple of days. J'Hopa to Ki-Adi-Mundi: Should we investigate it, do you think? Ki-Adi-Mundi: I think it's very unlikely that this is a fragment of the Kaiburr Crystal. J'Hopa: Merely a coincidence, then? Ki-Adi-Mundi: If I had a credit for each time someone came to me, claiming to have such a thing. Eirtae: Odomis filled me in on the crystal, and you guys had been bragging to me the whole time about how you had seen the Crystal. Show offs. J'Hopa to Eirtae: We only heard about it. J'Hopa to Ki-Adi-Mundi: If we brought it to you, you could tell us if it was a fragment of the Crystal, yes? Ki-Adi-Mundi: Sure, but don't get your hopes up. Thousands of fake fragments have turned up over the centuries, but never one real one. Eirtae: What a skeptic. Of course, Amidala has a fragment of the Crystal. J'Hopa: That's why we'll take it directly to the Jedi before claiming to have actually found it. Odomis: If it is, what will you give us? Eirtae: So let's get back to Amidala, and ask about the Headpiece. I can borrow it for cleaning. J'Hopa: hee hee, That's if she hasn't noticed you're missing already. Eirtae: She has plenty of handmaidens to spare. They leave, and walk down the winding hallway back to the lobby. TC-14 has finished repairing their damage. They go outside. They walk out onto a public balcony. Throngs of people crowd around a giant viewscreen showing the Senate Chamber. The Senate Chambers are huge. Thousands of Senators and their aides sit in the circular assembly area. Chancellor Valorum sits in an elevated area in the center. The circular boxes are floating platforms. The room is cavernous. The camera zooms in on the box from Naboo. Amidala: Honorable Representatives of the Republic, distinguished delegates, and Your Honor Supreme Chancellor Valorum, I come to you under the gravest of circumstances. The Naboo system has been invaded by force by the Droid Armies of the Trade Federation. Lott Dod (Senator for the Trade Federation): I object! There is no proof! This is incredible! Valorum: The chair does not recognize the Senator from the Trade Federation at this time. Ask Mo (Senator from Malastare) : The Congress of Malastare proposes that a commission must be appointed to ascertain the situation. Valorum: Queen Amidala of the Naboo, will you defer your motion to allow a commission to explore the validity of your accusations? Amidala (angry): I will not defer...I have come to resolve this attack on our sovereignty now. I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee. If this body is not capable of action, I suggest new leadership is needed. I move for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum's leadership. This causes a great stir in the assembly. The loud murmur crescendos into a roar of approval and jeers. Chancellor Valorum is stunned and stands speechless. Mas Amedda (bureaucrat): Order! We shall have order! Prince Bail Antilles moves his box into the arena. Bail: Alderaan seconds the motion for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum. Mas Amedda: The motion has been seconded by Bail Antilles of Alderaan. Bail: There must be no delays. The motion is on floor and must be voted on in this session. The Senators begin to chant "Vote now! Vote now!" Valorum and Mas Amedda exchange a few words off mike. Mas Amedda: The Chancellor requests a recess. We shall reconvene tonight. There is also great commotion in the crowd on the balcony that Odomis, J'Hopa, and Eirtae find themselves in. Eirtae: I should have stayed with the Queen. Odomis: Maybe she's having a bad hair day. J'Hopa: She wasn't wearing the jewel. Now would be a good time to go get it. Despite the unbelievable historical significance of this event, Eirtae, Odomis, and J'Hopa have no interest in it, and don't even want to watch it. They would have left if they hadn't been caught in the crowd. J'Hopa says he feels like "eating a cat" even though he's never heard of cats. Odomis: I fly like a bat. Eirtae: I have to pee. They decide to go to the Senate, investigate the gem, and bring it back to the Temple one way or another it. They get on an Air Taxi, and tell it to take them to the Senate Building. J'Hopa: Perhaps the Sith were trying to get the gem. Odomis: This is a good idea. Except the Sith attacked the Jedi. J'Hopa: Maybe he knew the Queen was with them, and also that he had to get the Jedi first. Eirtae: Or perhaps that's why Naboo was attacked. J'Hopa: You think the attack on Naboo is somehow involved with the Sith? Odomis: It does seem to be a rather strange coincidence that the Sith decided to attack those leaving Naboo. After traveling for a long time, they reach the Galactic Senate Building. You can imagine the commotion going on. It's different than before. There are tons of people running everywhere. Reporters are shouting questions at leaving Senators. Odomis: It's a splendid time to get some gems. They aren't certain how to get to Palpatine's offices. Odomis to reporter: How do I get to Senator Palpatine's rooms? Reporter: Yeah, like you and everybody else here. An alien reporter of the same species as Pondo recognizes Eirtae's clothes as that of Amidala's handmaidens. Pondo was the walrus-looking thing who had its arm sliced off by Obi-Wan Kenobi in the Cantina. Eirtae: Whew! Thank Goodness. Can you tell us where the Queen is? Alien reporter: No, can you get me an interview with the Queen? Eirtae: Perhaps, but we're trying to find her at the moment. Odomis: I suppose for an opportunity to ask the Queen for a 30 second interview, just enough for one meaningless question. Alien: I don't know where she is. Odomis: Oh, then bye, I guess. J'Hopa: Where are the Senator's chambers? Alien: Yeah, I know that. J'Hopa: Will you take us, show us, tell us? Alien: You'll get me in? J'Hopa: Sure, but we can not guarantee your safety. Eirtae: Or an interview but we will try. Alien: ok He leads them through the crowds to an elevator, and then they get in, along with other aliens, and go up. They get out on a higher floor. Here there are fewer people, although still more people than the previous time they were here. They are stopped by security. The alien reporter explains that this is one of Amidala's handmaidens. J'Hopa: We are the handmaiden's bodyguards. Odomis smiles at the security guards with his yellowed teeth. The guards let them pass. They reach Palpatine's offices. The door opens, and it's one of Palpatine's aides. J'Hopa: We have urgent news. Let us in. Eirtae: Hello, is Queen Amidala here? Aid: No sorry. She's out at the moment. Kutres walks up, and says it's alright. He lets them in. Kutres: What have you been doing? J'Hopa: We'll fill you in later. Kutres: Did you hear the news? J'Hopa: We were forced to watch it on the vidscreen. Kutres: Who forced you? J'Hopa: We couldn't get past the crowd, and ended up watching it. The other handmaidens rush up to Eirtae. Yane: You ran away AGAIN???? J'Hopa to Odomis and Eirtae: We need to emphasize the possible importance of the gem to make her consider its importance. Then she will forgive you. Eirtae: I didn't run away. I had an important errand I had to attend to for the Queen. J'Hopa: And before that she was lost. She never ran away. Yane: I was there when she said, no you couldn't go. Eirtae: Yes, but I convinced her to let me go later, in private. She didn't want the rest of you to be jealous. Yale: That's a lie! J'Hopa stifles a laugh. Eirtae: How dare you call me a liar, you cheap excuse for scullery maid! Odomis: You see she is jealous. J'Hopa: The Queen was right not to tell her. Odomis: Can I sleep with Yane? J'Hopa: No. Yane: Last time, she said that would be the last time. Eirtae: Well, the Queen and I have a very special relationship. J'Hopa: Enough, enough. Eirtae: Anyway, can we see Amidala now? Yane: She's not here. J'Hopa: Let's wait for her. After a while, the door opens, and in walks Queen Amidala, Senator Palpatine, and several guards. Amidala is wearing the costume with the two black horns pointed down with the gold tassels. Palpatine's face falls when he sees Odomis and J'Hopa. J'Hopa: Good day, Senator Odomis smiles teethly. Reporter: I was told I could have an interview with the Queen. Palpatine: The Queen is not taking interviews at this time. We'll release a statement shortly....Please escort this man back to the lobby. Eirtae: J'Hopa, shuttle him out of the room, quickly. J'Hopa: You heard the man. Sorry, reporter. Two guards drag him out. Yane rushes up to the Queen. Eirtae: Hello, Yane. Odomis (referring to his sharpened teeth): It was a fad on Tatooine. Yane: Amidala1 Eirtae said that you told her that she could go with these strange men! Is this true? Eirtae shoots a dirty glance at Yane. Amidala: I explicitly forbid it. Eirtae, why did you disobey me? J'Hopa sighs. Eirtae: I think Yane is exaggerating again. She's just jealous of my friends Odomis and J'Hopa. Amidala: Why would you speak an untruth? J'Hopa: That is all besides the point. We have a request from a Jedi Master to examine your jewel. He believes it to be a shard of the Kaiburr Crystal which destroyed the Sith years ago. Eirtae: Yes, please listen to J'Hopa. He has important news. Yane: Eirtae called me "you cheap excuse for a scullery maid". Amidala: Eirtae, is this true? Odomis: It's totally true!!! Some people are so mean! J'Hopa: Eirtae has admittedly been distracted and is being unpredictable. This is understandable in the current situation. Amidala: Perhaps there are other girls more worthy of the honor of your position than yourself. Eirtae: Amidala, please listen to what J'Hopa has to say. Anything I may have done, I've done in service for you. J'Hopa: She needs a vacation. Amidala: I will attend to the matter of Eirtae after the current crisis is resolved. Eirtae: Oh thank you, kind mistress! Palpatine's interest was peaked by the mention of the Kaiburr Crystal. Eirtae: In the meantime, we should try to find out if your jewel is part of Kaiburr Crystal. J'Hopa: We have reason to believe that the Jewel of Zenda is a fragment of the Kaiburr Crystal. Palpatine: So where is the Jewel located? Odomis: We think the Crystal is the one on HER crown, and would like to take it to the Jedi Council to check it out. Yane: It's on the Escoffiate Headpiece. Amidala: One of the ceremonial costumes, Senator. Eirtae: Thanks Yane. Eirtae sticks her tongue at Yane. Palpatine: May I see it, please. J'Hopa: What for? Would you recognize it? Eirtae: Perhaps I could fetch it, and then we could all look at it. Amidala motions for them to get it. The other girls leave and return with the headpiece. It has a black circular thing in back, and in front are two long gold sections on either side. The front part is gold with a red stripe down the middle, and a point on top. A small dark red gem about the size of a quarter hangs from the front. Palpatine reaches down and unhooks it. Odomis: Ohhh, a rock, and it's SOOO pretty. J'Hopa: We should have a Jedi look at it, really. Eirtae: Amidala, may we take it to the Jedi? Palpatine: This is the Jewel of Zenda? Amidala: Yes. J'Hopa: Jedi Master Bail wanted to look at it immediately. He was intrigued. Palpatine: Bail is the Senator of Alderaan. Odomis: Well, we have to take it to the Jedi who we spoke so fondly with. J'Hopa: Ki-Adi-Mundi is what I meant. Palpatine: So what do you think this might be? J'Hopa: A fragment of the Kaiburr Crystal. Amidala: What is the Kaiburr Crystal? J'Hopa: A legendary artifact at best. No promises here, but the Jedi wanted to see it so we thought we'd take it up. It was used to destroy the Sith centuries ago, then it was destroyed lest it fall into the wrong hands. Odomis is in awesome surroundings, and wants to impress important people. J'Hopa: I guess it was partially destroyed since we found an honest-to-goodness fragment of it right here!!! We are not certain this is a bit of it. That's why we have to take it to the temple to be examined. Palpatine: Why do you think this might be a fragment of the Kaiburr Crystal? J'Hopa: Our reasons sound far-fetched. Let's just take it and so if not, no harm done, and we can laugh at our stupidity. If it is, we have made a great discovery. Nothing to lose. Everything to gain. Odomis: If we are correct, then we get a big reward and help the forces of good to boot. J'Hopa sighs. Palpatine: What evidence leads you to this conclusion? J'Hopa: We just said a great deal! Palpatine: You said nothing about why you think this is a fragment of the Kaiburr Crystal. Odomis: We think it is because Eirtae told us the history of that jewel which by folklore is a piece of said stone. Eirtae: Regardless of the reasons, it is a small enough request to take the Jewel to the Jedi. Amidala, surely this small thing is not a great favor to ask. J'Hopa: It will take a few hours at most and will not inconvenience you. Odomis: Besides, we might get famous. J'Hopa: Odomis is welcome to the great glories we get, if any. Palpatine laughs heartily, and smiles condescendingly. Palpatine: I must confess that I am bemused by your optimism. Odomis: We really have little to be optimistic about. Your planet is being invaded or something like that. I am an outlaw on my pathetic little world, and we are broke. J'Hopa: We are likely making fools of ourselves, yes senator, but wouldn't it be more foolish if we didn't pursue this, and it turned out to be right? Eirtae: Dearest Palpatine, where is the harm in our little flight of fancy? Amidala looks like she's about to speak but Palpatine speaks first. Palpatine: Kind sirs, most assuredly, you have little more than idle speculation. J'Hopa: Do we have any real reason not to investigate it? Palpatine: Alas, this will never do. We can't take up the Queen's precious time with such nonsense. Eirtae whispers to Amidala: Why are you letting the Senator push you around? Amidala: You do not believe that this is part of the Kaiburr Crystal? Palpatine: Your Majesty, it would be most convenient if such a gift were to fall into our laps, but alas, I'm afraid it is not to be. J'Hopa: There is no concrete reason NOT to at least show it to the Jedi. If we're wrong, nothing lost. Palpatine: If you were walking down the street, and saw a stone in the gutter, would you rush it to a Jedi? J'Hopa: When Eirtae described the stone to the Jedi, he became very interested. Eirtae: Are you comparing Amidala's jewel to stones in the gutter? Really! Odomis: He told us specifically, he'd look at this stone. J'Hopa: You seem far to determined not to let us do this, Senator. During the time you have been condescending us, we could be halfway to the temple. Odomis: Please Amidala, end the excuses, and tell us what you think. Palpatine: With all due respect, Your Majesty, these gentlemen do not appear to be well aquatinted with such issues. J'Hopa: Are you? Odomis: Besides, I don't think you want to give Eirtae yet another excuse to disobey you. She seems very strong-willed. Amidala: I'll discuss this matter with Qui-Gon. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. J'Hopa: Good. Eirtae: When will you be seeing Qui-Gon? Palpatine: Most assuredly, no one would be more pleased than I if this were true, but it is merely idle speculation. We can not allow ourselves to be distracted at this time of great crisis. Amidala: That is most true. Palpatine: If it would put your mind at ease, Your Majesty, I will take this item to Ki-Adi- Mundi to consult his most learned opinion. We shall quickly put this matter to rest. Odomis: Wonderful! We'd love to accompany you. J'Hopa: We can take the blame for a flight of fancy if it turns out to be so. Also, I'm certain that you have important things to do, Senator, let the lackeys handle it. Amidala: Thank you, Senator. Palpatine beams a reassuring smile at everyone in the room as he slips the Jewel into his pocket. J'Hopa: Can we go along? We'll just get into trouble if left here. Palpatine: That won't be necessary. Thank you. Eirtae walks up to Palpatine and puts her hand on his arm while slipping the other one into his pocket. Eirtae: Why don't you let us take care of this boring errand? She tries to pick his pocket. Palpatine grabs her hand by the wrist and tosses it aside. He looks disapprovingly at Amidala. She looks apologetically at Palpatine, and then glares at Eirtae. Palpatine leaves through the front door. J'Hopa: I think we can all agree that Palpatine is a little to interested in that stone. Odomis, J'Hopa, and Eirtae try to follow him. He hears the door open, looks back, and sees them. Eirtae: Yoo-hoo! Senator! Odomis: Can I have your signature? Please? Palpatine whispers something to a guard, and then turns a corner. The others follow but the guard stops them. Guard: You're a guest of Senator Palpatine. He doesn't want you to get lost. Eirtae: Excuse me, but I'm a good friend (wink) of the Senator. He'd be upset if you kept me waiting., Guard: Where are you going? Eirtae: Please let me by quickly, or he'll be angry. Guard: Senator Palpatine said that you should remain here where it's safe. Odomis: Would you agree the Jedi Temple is safe? J'Hopa: It's unsafe out there??? Odomis: I mean, honestly, a senator does not have the authority to have people detained. This is an improper use of power. I demand to see a magistrate. The guard lets them pass. They decide to go to the Temple. They outside to a balcony. They get on an Air Taxi, and head towards the Temple. After a long time, they arrive. TC-14: Oh dear Eirtae: TC-14, we're in need of your expertise. TC-14: How may I help you? Odomis to J'Hopa: Is it bad manners to kiss a droid? J'Hopa: Yes. Eirtae: Is Qui-Gon in? TC-14: Qui-Gon is not in. J'Hopa: Can we see Ki-Adi-Mundi? TC-14: Very well. He leads them to his office. J'Hopa: By the way, has Senator Palpatine been here? TC-14: No, he has not. J'Hopa: I see. Eirtae: We have most urgent news. Odomis: He is so honest isn't he. Ki-Adi-Mundi greets them. Ki-Adi-Mundi: So you've come back with the Jewel? Eirtae: In fact not. Palpatine has it and should be here. J'Hopa: He refused to let us touch it, let alone take it away. Odomis: Actually, Senator Palpatine took it, and wouldn't let us get it back. J'Hopa: He was very firm, almost to the point of idiocy. Odomis: He was very insistent. In fact, I would call him an idiot...oops. J'Hopa: He should be here shortly. Eirtae: Is there any way to find out where he is now, and more importantly, the Jewel? Odomis: I'm hungry. Ki-Adi-Mundi: I'm sure you're exaggerating. J'Hopa: Perhaps Eirtae: TC-14, Can you find Odomis some snacks, preferably the black juicy worms he loves so much. TC-14: Right away. The droid scurries off. J'Hopa: But this is kind of our project and he took it over. We're a little miffed about that. They wait. J'Hopa: I'm sure he'll get here soon, and then we can be here when you pronounce the Jewel a mundane rock, but we can hope. Odomis: The strange thing is that he told us that it was certainly nothing but then he took the stone and would not let us waste our time with it, and instead insisted that he waste his. Eirtae: Very odd, now that you mention it. J'Hopa: He would not let us accompany him, and had a guard delay us. Eirtae: This behavior is certainly suspicious, almost as if he were hiding something. J'Hopa: Then again we could be over reacting. Let's just wait and see what happens. Odomis: I really think he didn't want us to see him putting on his make-up, such a pretty boy. Ki-Adi-Mundi: I'm sure he was just trying to be helpful. J'Hopa: Then where is he? We should have been right behind him. Ki-Adi-Mundi: I really don't know why Palpatine would think this is part of the Kaiburr Crystal. Eirtae: Well you're probably right. J'Hopa and Odomis, let's go back, perhaps the Queen needs our help. J'Hopa: We have our doubts. We just want to check it out, make ourselves feel like we're being useful. They wait a long time, but Palpatine never shows up. Odomis: That prick. I think we should go back to the Queen and offer our dubious services. They walk outside onto the balcony. They see a strange alien waddling up to them. It's gray/green, and is about four feet tall. It's head is shaped similar to the head of a Dia Noga, protruding out in front of it. It has short legs, and long spindly arms. It starts waving its arms at them. It croaks in a raspy voice, "Phone home! Phone home!" The Queen gives her handmaidens special multi-colored fruit-flavored candies. With nothing else on hand. Eirtae offers some of these to the strange alien. To their surprise, he eats them with great avarice. Odomis sticks his finger at him, and the alien's chest glows. Then the alien sticks out his finger in imitation of Odomis, and the tip of its finger glows also. Eirtae gives him more of the Royal Candy, known as Reese's Pieces, named after a chef on Naboo. She affectionately pats him on the head. J'Hopa: Would you like to travel with us alien, who I choose to refer to as E.T. for no reason at all? The alien nods in agreement. Odomis somehow suspects that the Force is strong with this creature. Odomis: Do you think you would know an artifact imbued with the Force should we show it to you? There seems to be a language barrier. Almost everyone in the galaxy known Coruscian, which the lingua franca of the galaxy. However, this alien seems to only know a few words of it. Eirtae: What a cute little guy. E.T: Phone home! Phone home! Odomis: He could live in my closet if I had one. Funny, he looks like he has enough power to see if the stone is at least normal or not. J'Hopa: Sorry, he could be a great ally. Eirtae sighs, and gives him more Reese's Pieces. J'Hopa: E.T., we will help you phone home if you help us. The Air Taxi arrives, and they all get on. Eirtae wraps him up in a cuddly blanket. Odomis: I wonder if that's what Yoda looked like in his younger days. Eirtae: Can I sit next to E.T.? Odomis: I put E.T. on my lap, and ask him about his home planet. Eirtae: Odomis! Stop stealing E.T.! Eirtae: J'Hopa, do you want to hold E.T. next? J'Hopa: Why would I do that? He can sit on a chair like a normal alien. They reach the Galactic Senate House, and get off. Eirtae holds E.T.'s hand as he struggles to keep up with J'Hopa. They reach Palpatine's office. They wait for awhile, and then Palpatine returns. J'Hopa: How was the Temple? Eirtae: Yes, Palpatine, what did you find out? Odomis: Do you like our new friend? He can heal plants. Palpatine smiles most pleasantly. Amidala: Did you inquire about the Jewel? Palpatine: Yes, I did speak with Ki-Adi-Mundi. We had a very pleasant conversation, and he expressed sympathy with our current situation. I'm afraid, however, that this is not piece of the fabled Kaiburr Crystal. J'Hopa: Strange. We just spent the last few hours with him waiting for you. Odomis: Really? Can I look at it? Palpatine: We must have missed each other. J'Hopa: We went there right after you left, and waited HOURS Palpatine: I was very busy and couldn't get there till just now. Odomis: Ok. Anyway, can I look at the rock now that we know it is nothing. I really want to look at this thing that just hours ago was so important. Amidala: So it is not part of the Crystal? Palpatine: I'm very sorry, Your Majesty. It is most disappointing. I had almost gotten my hopes up as well. However, it is not a complete loss. Odomis: Really? Amidala: How do you figure that, Senator? Palpatine: Our good friends have related to us that there exists a gentleman, a Devaronian, on Tatooine, who purports to be very interested in purchasing this item. They claim he will pay any price for it. Amidala: We have no interest in profit, Senator. Eirtae: Really? Why pay so much for an ordinary gem? Odomis: I'm interested in profit, Senator. Palpatine: No, of course not. However, if the sum of money he's offering is as large as our friends claim, then we may be able to purchase controlling interest in the Trade Federation. Once we control the Federation, we can halt the invasion of Naboo. J'Hopa: Hey, could I use your com connection? I have a few friends in town I'd like to touch bases with if you don't mind. Palpatine: You have friends here? J'Hopa: Fellow mercenaries, I'd like to see if they know of any jobs. They aren't really friends I guess. Palpatine: It would be unethical for a personal call to be made on a government com unit. Odomis: Buy controlling interest in the Trade Federation. That is a joke! There isn't enough money on Tatooine to do that. J'Hopa: Is there a public unit nearby I can use? Sorry to bother. This is an important conversation.